NewCityMovement

Art Crimes Against Humanity 008

Fluorescent tubes may be energy efficient but as most of us know, they are 100% evil. Axis of evil, evil. The effects of these buzzing boxes of death are well documented. Fresh food rots before your very eyes, human skin appears sickly gray or green, big ticket merchandise suddenly turns into dollar store discounts, every bone in ones body says "get out of this torture chamber now!"

Fluorescent lighting may be slowly killing you and your business. Two options exist: 1. Replace them. Go back to energy hogging incandescents, Light Emitting Diodes or color corrected compact fluorescents. 2. Reduce your existing tubes glamour harming rays with polycarbonate gel sleeves or tubes in color correcting warm tones. Your local stage supply store can help you choose a color to match what ever lighting brand you are suffering under currently.

Architectural Injury

Local cheese ball personal injury lawyer Keith "One Call Does It All" Barton was forced to foreclose on his tacky mega-mansion to pay off 40 Million in credit card debt. The home, which is being purchased for 7 Million (half price) by someone involved in a division of Amway sits on nine acres, has seven bedrooms, 13 bathrooms, a gourmet kitchen, ballroom, salon, gold leaf detail, marble, original stained glass, a pool, granite stone pathways, barn, loft and a greenhouse. What a waste of resources. [Via KSL.com, Thanks Kim]

I'm finally feeling better after a 72hr. quarantine. Thank you for the well wishing everyone. Well, all two of you at least. For the rest, I give you Paula Deen. Something about her too smooth airbrushed face has been giving me the creeps for about a year now. And those eyes! Watching you from every corner of the bookstore... what is she going to do with that not cute baby? Main course anyone? (Click for larger)

Gashley Furniture: Art Criminals

As if a Walmart weren't enough to make your trip down 300 West a distressing one, this lovely IKEA colored protrusion by (G)ashley Furniture has recently invited itself to the throw-up party. The historic warehouse they built this eye sore on was interesting enough on it's own, but they had to go and fug it up anyways. Pee-uke!

Art Crimes Against Humanity 006: Pyramids Of Power, The Architecture Of MLM

All are welcome... ALL ARE WELCOME!

Anyone driving south of Salt Lake City might notice that from Murray to Draper, Lehi, Provo and beyond, Utah is teeming with prominent MLM or Multi-Level Marketing/Networking companies. These are "lawful and legitimate business models, not rip-off pyramid schemes," claims Michigan based Amway, the genetic Lucy of all MLM's. Regardless of how lawful they is, the stupid is as stupid does aesthetic that permeates network marketing extends handily to their ever-so-strange architectural endeavors. These companies, who's products range from scrap-booking supplies and skin-care lines to cure-all life enhancing herbal supplements and exotic anti-oxidant fruit juices have produced some of the worst architecture in our nations short history.

Some MLM's, like Malaleuca from my home town of Idaho Falls, Idaho have a nauseating effect on the local economy. Tea Tree Oil or "The Wonder From Down Under", injected into every imaginable product ranging from toothpaste to household cleaners and forcefully sold by the caseload has allowed it's shareholders to buy the local baseball field, a few anti-gay billboards and fund the city's annual Fourth of July "Freedom Celebration". A fireworks show timed to Lee Greenwood's "I'm Proud To Be An American", one of the small joys of growing up Idahoan.

Similarly, back in Utah, the Provo Center For The Arts as well as Salt Lake City's baseball field were made possible with donations from Franklin Covey, the company that promised to organize your life with their annoying day-planners and make you rich selling them.

And what is it with all the damn flags?

All this success in the wild west might be attributed in part to these gaudy 'world headquarters' style buildings the lower tier pilgrims see as some kind of OZ. Mirroring religions of the world, these overly fussy office complex-es with mind control ray dispensing signage plopped on top don't leave much for the average plebeian to worry about. Optionally, there's mind numbing colonial style HQ's in updated materials and mammoth proportions. And let's not forget the placement of flags. Flags everywhere to remind the world that this type of business is as American as apple pie.

Extending the lifestyle/brand of these companies to their distributors is essential to washing their brains. The best of the bunch feature excessive reception areas, visitor centers, supernature cafe's, gardens and stores. And if it all starts to sound to good to be true, well...

A Car With A Sunroof Looks Extremely Good

Do you want your car to have the look of a real sunroof? Using patented technology consisting of a series of flexible laminated magnetic layers, weatherproofed and framed with a self-adhesive tape, the DECANO™ brand faux sunroof will give any car the image of a real sunroof! [Via Autoblog, Thanks Matt]

The Texas Centaur

Say hello to the Texas Centaur.

Come Once It's A Party. Come Twice It's...

...Habits!
Why go to Wendover, when you can see a 'designer fashion show' with lunch at Salt Lake's Premier UPSCALE Night Club?

Habits, "Where Pretty People Come To Play."

Art Crimes Against Humanity 005

This is just one example of the many vomit inducing attempts at highway "beautification" that grace the highways and byways that surround Salt Lake City. It is obvious that these ducks in flight were made from some of the most ancient clip art available to man and then lovingly applied using industrial sized cookie cutters. Beyond the ducks, there's the all this visual confusion with the arrangement of mono-beige landscaping vs. surfacing textures. If you ever find yourself in Utah, don't get in a fender bender trying to wrap your head around it.

The Gayification Of 9th & 9th

The gods of urban planning are finally giving Salt Lake's little epicenter of coffee and culture called 9th & 9th it's desperately needed facelift. And what a whimsical transformation it shall be... magic is afoot my fellow faeries!

Apparently, along with a surplus of mauve-y, sugar plum, purple people eating lamp posts, primary green benches, smaller than average blue bike racks and some actually cool iron signage, we are to expect nine commissioned statues of Zeus's Greek Muses, also known as The Daughters of Zeus! The seductive statues are said to be on order and won't be finished for the better part of a year, I was told by one of the on-site planners.

It's a sassy idea in theory, you know... goddesses of the arts and the sciences; guarding over the place and all, spurning creativity and dashing creationist theories as people simply drive unknowingly through the gates of Oz. The biggest worry could be that if they look anything like the craptactular commissioned sculpture we have going around downtown, or if one of the statues has a nipple showing (the children!), we might have a serious problem on our hands. Until the day of this big reveal, we can bask in the glory of these positively gay improvements.

Art Crimes Against Humanity 004

And you thought Vegas was tacky.

During my 10 years of living here in Salt Lake I've heard rumor of ye olde Anniversary Inn, a fussy local boutique hotel with different themes for each room. I never really looked into it until my eye caught an ad in the free local wedding guides that one sees strewn about the city each Spring.

Let me turn your attention to the reasons why A.I., as I enjoy referring to it, is so much more than you ever realized. Now with four locations, three in Utah and one in Boise, Idaho, you too can have an "Experience like no other". The saccharine sweet website goes on to proclaim, The Anniversary Inn has a "Touch of Elegance" and a "Hint of Adventure".

I took it upon myself to bring discriptive highlights together from many of the more exotic rooms web pages to create a mythical A.I. Master Suite ...if you will... so insanely imaginative, that it cannot be contained by the minds of mere mortals:

Marriage Got You Down? Try The Anniversary Inn. Surround yourself in luxury and the picturesque as you step into a fairytale, cross the moat and enter your castle. A dream world of mermaids and Greek legends with visions of dolphins, tropical fish and coral reef surround you. An octopus stands guard at your bedstead!

Visit the middle of the South American rain forest with old ruins and artifacts from an ancient civilization surrounded by the Amazon river and jungle. Continue your fantasy with a ride in the silver spaceship bathroom with a jetted tub surrounded by a winged dragon and a queen-sized bed sitting on the back of two elephants. Inside a rock sea cave you can relax as the waterfall shower cascades from a elephant's trunk or clamshell. Maybe carpets don't fly, but who knows if you don't really try?

Roughing it takes on a new meaning when you bed down in the Old West (or similar cliché). Drift off to sleep in a covered wagon, an old fashioned carriage, a pleather gondola or under a grass hut, inside an ice cave or lighthouse! Sleep in the "balcony" while you watch the "play" (a 52" Television) on your own Phantom Of The Opera stage. Take a disco nap on an octagonal bed in a white lattice gazebo or on the round leather bed in the Bikers Road House/Cave. Then turn on the fireplace and hope the whole place doesn't go up in flames like a Sid and Marty Krofft set.

The treasure, of course, is the memory you take with you when you leave. Let your imagination run wild, after all, there's a little magic in every room at The Anniversary Inn.

Seriously, the A.I. website is pretty good. I highly suggest browsing the different locations with accompanying 360° tours of each of the rooms. Here are links to some of the best:

Amazon Rain Forest, Aphrodite's Court, Arabian Nights, Caribbean Sea Cave, Jesse James Hideout, King Arthur's Castle, Lake Powell Suite, Lost In Space, Pyramids Of Egypt, Biker Road House, Carriage Suite, Country Garden, Enchanted Forest, Hay Loft Suite, Light House Suite, Mammoth Ice Cave, Mysteries Of Egypt, Opera House Suite, Oregon Trail, Romeo and Juliet Suite 1, Romeo and Juliet Suite 2, Sleeping Beauty's Castle, South Pacific, Sun Valley, Swiss Family Suite, Treasure Island Suite 1, Treasure Island Suite 2, Italian Gondola Suite, Jackson Hole Suite, Jungle Safari, Phantom Of The Opera, Sultan's Palace, The Rose Garden, Swiss Family Robinson, Jungle Safari, Mississippi Serenade, Mysteries of Egypt, Neptune's Cave, Secret Garden, Sultan's Palace

 

Art Crimes Against Humanity 003

There were no public hearings! Who approved these monstrosities? Just because it's in public view, erected with public funds doesn't mean that public art has to be 'accessible' or 'cute', the latter being too kind a word to use as this flying cow is a visual abomination beyond anything we've yet been subjected to. Cows, have been DONE by other cities and are now officially OVER. These are just another cringeworthy sign of our devolution as a species.

Next to these we have seagulls with anvil bodies. Now, please raise your hands if you think we need another homage to effing seagulls?! What is the meaning of these poorly crafted, Western Valley originating, hobby enthusiast art infractions? TRAX is nowhere nearby this up and coming area. Smack in the middle of the street between the progressive Jeane Wagner Theater and upscale restaurants like Metropolitain and the soon to open Zola (above Squatters).

Art Crimes Against Humanity 002

Carrying your mothers ashes around in a box and documenting it might come off as high art if your name happens to be Demian Hurst. You might have a similar feeling after watching the video introduction at Dead Momma Database. The attempt by Arthur Pembleton comes off as cheap (not to mention, boooring) when at the end of his intro, Art tries to make money off of his 'dead momma' with a sales pitch for a dvd that comes in a reproduction of her urn.

Art Crimes Against Humanity 001

Another new feature here at NCM is going to be my regular cataloging of what I like to call ART CRIMES AGAINST HUMANITY. Art and beauty is in the eye of the beholder as they say. Well, my eye isn't so easily fooled, and some things are so hideous they simply must be held up to the light for public mockery.

Our first installment is a "painting" that resides on the wall of a reception area in my office building. On the second floor it lurks, just out of view until you reach the top of the staircase where it proceeds to projectile vomit into your retinas. Everyday we suffer in silence. Lesson: Caution must be applied when anything in the vein of Spin-Art comes across the auction block at your local thrift store. Add this to a professional setting and... BOO!